


Goodbye My Lover

by barbarasblue



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, OH LORD, So much angst, Some Fluff, Song Lyrics, Song fic, a lot of crying, look i am sorry in advance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 21:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6256933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbarasblue/pseuds/barbarasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Magnus Bane knew one day Alexander Lightwood would be gone. It was inevitable. That doesn’t mean he was ever ready for it. No matter how much he prepared himself, when it happened, he wasn’t ready. As Alexander Lightwood took his final breaths, Magnus Bane’s lifetime with him flashed before his eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye My Lover

**Author's Note:**

> Based off the song "Goodbye My Lover".

_Did I disappoint you or let you down?_

_Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?_

_‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,_

_Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won_.

Magnus Bane knew one day Alexander Lightwood would be gone. It was inevitable. That doesn’t mean he was ever ready for it. No matter how much he prepared himself, when it happened, he wasn’t ready. As Alexander Lightwood took his final breaths, Magnus Bane’s lifetime with him flashed before his eyes.

The day Magnus met Alec he knew he something had changed. He wasn’t expecting what would happen. He was there only for one thing: The necklace and the necklace only. And then Clary Fairchild and Jace whatever-even-is-his-last-name decided it would be fun to test him. They wanted her memories. He, of course, didn’t have them and gave Clary the chance to go with him through the portal he created.

It was then when Alec Lightwood first made himself known, and how it started Magnus feeling a slight flutter inside his chest.

When he has found out he was closeted, Magnus knew it would make things harder. He almost told himself it wasn’t worth it, but his heart had started working again, and it was telling him he needed to pursue it. So, he did.

The next time he saw Alec it was when he gave Magnus his strength. Magnus was becoming weakened, and all of a sudden strong arms enveloped him. Gave him his strength, let Magnus fall back against him, caring enough to ask if he was okay. A shadowhunter cared enough. Magnus felt his heart murmur.

He had drinks with the boy not long later. Telling Alec he unlocked something in him. He was true to his words, meeting the dark haired boy made  him alive after years. It was different- different than what he felt in a long time. Different from Camille. Alec had started something in him. It was quick, and Magnus knew it.

This boy didn’t know how to react, and he didn’t know how to respond..

Alec stayed the night afterwards. They talked for a long while before Alec drifted off. Alec was careful not to reveal much of his thoughts, Magnus had noted that, and he had to start most of the conversations. He was guarded, much like Magnus himself. Magnus shared stories of some of his adventures, hoping to get the boy to talk. Alec was still quiet, but Magnus knew he was listening. He would crack a smile at the amusing parts of his story. Comment something witty at certain times.

Magnus knew he wanted to say a lot, yet every time his mouth moved he stopped. So Magnus took the initiative, asking Alec about his life. Magnus asking seemed to loosen him up the tiniest bit, and they began to talk. Magnus found that Alec’s life was hard, and he was interesting. Getting to know this boy was like a breath of fresh air. This boy was like no one he’d ever known.

They did that for the rest of the night,  helping Luke when it was needed.

Their conversations started to drift, and Alec had started to fall asleep on the couch. Magnus watched as he did so, the soft murmur in his heart increasing with every look.

Magnus didn’t know what he was doing.

_So I took what’s mine by eternal right_

_Took your soul out into the night_

_It may be over but it won’t stop there_

_I am here for you if you’d only care_

Alexander Lightwood broke his heart before he even had a heart to break not too many days later. He had told Alec to follow his heart, hoping maybe, just maybe, he would start to accept himself. Maybe, just maybe, he would learn to do it with Magnus.

It turns out Alec was too selfless for that.

He was marrying Lydia Branwell. Marrying a woman to rule the institute. To help his family. It was a good partnership he said. Magnus should have seen it coming.

It was another person who was unavailable, just like the rest.

Magnus said goodbye to him, congratulating him on his wedding. There was nothing more to do. Alec Lightwood was no longer available. Magnus respected that. So he left, thinking he would never speak to this boy again. Turning his heart off once again as he did.

He talked to him not even a day later. Alec had come to him asking for his help in freeing Isabelle. Magnus, of course, was hesitant and sassy. Bitterness clear in his words, biting as he responded to Alec’s favor.

He did it, of course. And he did a damned good job of it too.  

He met Lydia after. She gushed over him, very obviously if he must say. They spoke for a moment. Lydia talked with him about creating the portals and asked about Henry. She was smart, and Magnus hated that he realized he couldn’t hate her even if he tried.

Lydia said her goodbyes a few moments later, but Magnus stopped her.

“Lydia..I heard of your engagement. I just wanted to give my congratulations. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and it should be lovely to spend the rest of your life with the person you love. May I ask of you one thing?” Magnus hoped the words he was saying weren’t coming out as bitter as they did with Alec.

Lydia nodded, confusion written across her face.

“I must ask you treat Alexander right.. He… he deserves the best, and he hides a lot.” Magnus didn’t know what overcame him to say it. It was like his words came right out of a cheesy romance movie, but he couldn’t stop them. He didn’t stop to see the reaction she would have at his words. He knew what they would be. He nodded at her once more in a goodbye.

Magnus was almost free of the room full of shadowhunters when he heard a familiar voice call his name. Mentally preparing himself, he turned around to face the person he wished he could just stop talking to.

Alec was awkward, not knowing what to say, but not letting Magnus leave. He got the words out after a lot of stuttering. It was a thank you, and an ask for his price. Magnus had almost laughed. “Free of charge,” Is what he replied back with.

He began to walk away after that, suddenly feeling constricted under the gaze of the taller boy. A hand shot back, effectively stopping him, turning him around. It was Alec, of course. Magnus looked at the hand encircling his wrist, grip tight. He looked up at Alec, and immediately regretted it. They said everything he needed to know, and everything he wished Alec would say. But he knew Alec wouldn’t.

“I..” The words started to come out of his mouth, and then he closed it again. Magnus waited for Alec to say something for several seconds. He finally opened his mouth.

“I.. Magnus. if.. I just-”

“It’s okay,” Magnus cut him off. He knew Alec wasn’t going to say what was in his eyes. He wouldn’t do that to Magnus. Magnus understand.

Magnus smiled at Alec, shrugging his arm out of his warm hand.

“Goodbye, Alexander, again.”

Alec’s eyes connected with Magnus’, and Magnus so wished those eyes weren’t so telling. Alec tried to smile, but failed miserably.

“Goodbye, Magnus.” Magnus decided to ignore the strain in his voice.

Magnus had walked away, telling himself this was the end. For good.

Neither seemed to notice Lydia in the background, watching intently.

_You touched my heart you touched my soul_

_You changed my life and all my goals_

_And love is blind and that I knew when_

_My heart was blinded by you_

He took a chance on Alec days later. Ragnor Fell convinced him not to let the boy go. That this boy was his future, and if he didn’t want to ruin it he would go to him. Somehow.

Magnus flashbacked to his relationships in that moment. Back to every intense love he ever felt. They had always ended in heartbreak. Whether it was their death or leaving. They always left. Alec Lightwood has already done that to him, and it wasn’t his fault. It still happened, nevertheless.

Yet here he was, after a much needed kick into sanity by Ragnor, doing something stupid. He had snuck into the wedding, took a seat in the back, making sure no one saw him. What he was going to do? He wasn’t sure. Stop the wedding? Object like in the movies? No. This was Alec’s choice, and Magnus wasn’t that cliche. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do.

When Magnus looked up after sitting down he regretted it right away. Magnus’ heart lurched looking at Alec. The wedding hadn’t started yet, and Alec was standing at the alter. He looked amazing, as usual. That wasn’t what made his heart lurch, though. Alec looked lifeless. Like he was dead inside and his whole body and face was screaming “help me”. Magnus looked at the ground, resisting the urge to go up there and stop the wedding before it even started just on Alec’s face alone.

The wedding started moments later. The wedding music began and Magnus went cold. It was happening. One by one, people started to walk up to the alter. Clary, Isabelle, Jace, Simon. All with smiles as fake as the wedding. Lydia came last. Dressed in a beautiful pale gold dress, smile bright, flowers in her hands. Magnus felt it was hard to breathe as he watched Lydia finally reach Alec. As they took hands and Alec’s lifeless face stayed as it was, not even trying to fake a smile.

The silent brother that had taken the role of the minister started the wedding up. Magnus didn’t hear it, the voice cluttering around his ears. All he could focus on was Alec. Alec wasn’t going to stop the wedding, Magnus realized this halfway through. He knew he wasn’t going to from the start, but he wasn’t going to lie and say he didn’t hope he would.

Magnus didn’t know what do. His heart was screaming “stop it yourself” but his mind was screaming “don’t you dare” back. Before he could let both fight, something happened. Alec looked up from Lydia, staring out at the crowd. Magnus followed his eyes as the silent brother continued to speak.  They went from Lydia, to Jace, to Isabelle, to his parents, to the crowd. What was he doing?

His eyes settled on Magnus and they widened. Magnus cursed, not able to move his eyes away from Alec just as well. Alec was frozen. Magnus knew he was panicking, starting to have a struggle with himself. Magnus knew it. And he cursed himself for it. For letting Alec see him. For making this harder for him.

It was a couple seconds of them looking into each other’s eyes, Magnus noticing the same emotions he had in them when they said goodbye that last time. It was a couple seconds before he felt another pair of eyes burning into his own. It was that that made him finally turn away from Alec and come eye to eye with Lydia. She didn’t look surprised. She didn’t look angry. She looked sullen. She gave him a slight smile to which Magnus furrowed his eyebrows at at. She then moved her eyes from him, turning them back to Alec whose eyes were still focused on Magnus. Magnus followed her, and what came next was unexpected.

She called Alec’s name, a whisper at first. The silent brother stopped speaking at hearing her voice. Alec’s eyes still didn’t leave Magnus’,  as if he was frozen in place. Magnus was confused as to what she was doing.

“Alec,” She called again, this time louder. The crowd started to mingle, mutters of surprise and confusion covering them all. Alec finally tore his eyes away from Magnus. His eyes furrowed as he looked over to Lydia.

“I.. Sorry. Keep going.” Lydia shook her head at his comment and that confused everyone even more.

“No, I… May I talk with my fiance for a moment? Alone.” The silent brother weding them didn’t look pleased, but nodded anyway. Lydia nodded, smiled, and grabbed Alec’s hand, moving them away to somewhere where they could be alone.

In those few moments where Alec and Lydia spoke the crowd seemed to go into a frenzy. Magnus wished at this time he was able to wear runes to hear what they were speaking about. In those few moments Magnus watched Isabelle, Clary, Jace, Simon, fake smiles leave their faces. The worry was clear on Jace and Isabelle’s faces now. They were eyeing each other. Magnus would bet, even though he couldn’t see them from where he was, Robert and Maryse looked just as worried.

Lydia and Alec came back moments later. A smile flashed Lydia’s face, hand laced with one of Alec’s.  Magnus noted the nervousness etched across Alec’s face.

“Alec and I have an announcement.” Lydia’s voice echoed throughout the room. She looked to Alec, nodding her head at him to continue her words. Alec looked up from where his eyes had downcasted to the floor.

“We.. Lydia and I.. have decided that we aren’t getting married.” Gasps were heard throughout the crowd. Magnus noted that he himself was also one of those people gasping. Once the chatter died down Alec continued.

“It’s what neither of us want..”

“And I’m still mourning the death of my husband. I’m not going to marry into a loveless marriage that is just going ruin our friendship.”

“And I don’t want this. I never wanted this. I want a lot, but this isn’t it.” Alec’s eyes went to Magnus. Alec smiled. Magnus couldn’t believe this was happening, pride welling up in him for the boy.

I _’ve kissed your lips and held your head_

Their first kiss was something Magnus had never felt. It happened a little after the cancellation of Alec and Lydia’s wedding. Magnus left the ceremony after. He wanted to speak to Alec- needed to speak to Alec. But it could wait. Alec had a lot of thinking to do. He could wait.

A knock was heard at Magnus’ door hours after the ceremony.

It was Alec when Magnus answered, of course. He was no longer wearing his suit. Just a black assemble, as usual. He looked as nervous as Magnus felt looking at him. He ushered Alec in, shutting the door behind him.

They stood in front of each other.

“Hello, Alexander.”

“Hi, Magnus.”

Magnus knew Alec didn’t know what to say. So, he did what he always did; started the conversation.

“So… you didn’t get married.”

Alec shook his head. “I..uh. Lydia and I talked about it, and I .. I didn’t want it. I know I didn’t. Lydia.. She.. she wanted me to be happy. And neither of us would have been if we had gotten married. I.. um.. I had to think for myself. I.. um.. I had to think with my heart. I had to listen to my heart.”

“That's good to hear, Alexander. I’m glad you realized this wasn’t what you wanted.”

They were closer now. Alec took the first move, moving so their bodies were centimeters apart. Magnus could feel the body heat coming off of Alec. He could smell the sweet smell wafting from his body, inviting, calling to him.

“I..I just wanted to thank you. For not giving up on me. For letting me take a chance on myself. You were at the wedding and you could have stopped it and you didn’t. I, um, I just want to thank you for that. For accepting me… I..”  The words died in Alec’s mouth as a hand- Magnus’ hand- grabbed his. He didn’t realize he was shaking. Cursing himself, Alec blamed his nerves.

“Is it okay? If I do this? I can stop if you want..” Magnus spoke to him, making sure what he was doing was okay. He didn’t want to scare him off now. Alec didn’t respond, which scared Magnus. That is it scared him until the hand squeeze his, lacing them together.

“It’s okay,” Alec smiled at him, and Magnus was happy to see that smile.

“Can I.. can I try something?” Alec asked, voice going to a whisper as he said the last few words. Magnus nodded, giving him a smile as a reassurement. The hand suddenly pulled him close, their bodies coming together, closing the distance that was between them.

Magnus wasn’t sure what his face was showing, but astonishment was most likely there.

Magnus could feel the heat of Alec’s body, hard muscles pressing  against him. The scent that Magnus could only describe as Alec consumed every part of him. They stared at each other for a few moments. Magnus looked at him, searching for hesitance. For any regret. He saw none.

“Can I, um, can I..” Magnus nodded as soon as he realized Alec was having trouble getting the words out.

“Yes.”

Then there were lips covering his, leaning down to capture them.  They were chapped, rough against Magnus, but so soft. Alec didn’t know what he was doing, Magnus knew that. Magnus kissed him back, lips slotting together,  taking the lead. Alec’s hands were everywhere, clutching his biceps, arms, until they finally settled around his neck. Magnus’ hands were tangled in Alec’s hair, pulling at the black locks. He tasted like mint and Magnus so hoped that the reasoning was because he came expecting for this to happen.

Magnus felt a groan leave Alec’s lips as Magnus pulled him closer, biting his bottom lip, getting Alec to gasp. Magnus’ victory was slipping his tongue into Alec’s mouth, tangling it with Alec’s. They stood there, wrapped in each other, ignoring the world.

Once they parted Magnus looked up, smiling at how reddened and swollen Alec’s lips looked. If he could see himself, he probably looked the same. A teasing smile rested upon Magnus’ face, Alec and him still wrapped around each other.

“So.. was that your first kiss, Alexander?”

A blush spread across Alec’s face. He groaned, pressing his head into Magnus’ chest. “Y-yeah.” He mumbled. Magnus’ smile widened.

“And how was it?”

Alec lifted his head from Magnus’ chest, a smile coming onto his face. “Good.”

“Hmm, just good? Maybe we should aim for amazing. What do you say, Alexander?”

Alec didn’t answer, instead shutted Magnus up with his lips.

_Shared your dreams and shared your bed_

_I know you well, I know your smell_

_I’ve been addicted to you_

The morning after their first time was exhilarating. Magnus woke up, laying on his back, to a warmness spread across his chest, confusion as to what it was etched on his face for a moment. His eyes fluttered open, looked down, and saw Alec pressed against his body, laying on his stomach. His clothes were missing and Magnus noted that his were as well.

Memories started to flash through Magnus’ mind.

They were six months into their relationship. It was any normal night, a movie playing. Alec laid  against Magnus. Then, Alec kissing Magnus. Moving to the couch. Shirts disappearing. Pants following. Alec straddling his lap. Magnus asking where it was leading. Alec responding, telling him he was ready. Moving to the bed. Magnus leading them through it, making sure Alec was as comfortable as he could be.

It was their first time. And it was amazing.

Magnus smiled at the memory, looking down at Alec. He lifted his hand, tracing the rune on Alec’s back. His skin was soft, the fading runes giving a splash of color to his pale skin.

“Feeling me up, hm?”

The sudden morning voice almost made Magnus jump. He looked down at Alec, smirking as he did. Alec had definitely gotten more confident, and it was a beautiful thing for Magnus to witness. For Alec to love himself. To accept himself. To come out to his family. To work things out with Jace. To settle his feelings for him.

“What can I say, you’re just too irresistible.”  

Magnus felt Alec smile against his chest, snuggling closer. They lay there for a few moments. Everything peaceful, wrapped around each other.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

Magnus was brought back to the world when a hand squeezed his own, He looked up from where he was staring at the floor, into the eyes of the one he loved most. He was older now, and Magnus knew he was going soon. His breath was getting shallower, and the nurse said he wouldn’t have much time left.

(He was as beautiful as the first time Magnus saw him, even as he had gotten older Magnus loved him all the same.)

Max and Rafael were in Florence, deciding to take a trip around the world. They were coming, but it was just Magnus and Alec so far. Clary, Jace, Simon, and Izzy didn’t have the energy to come, but they were all still here.

Alec smiled down at Magnus from where he was laying in bed. Magnus smiled back, bringing his lips down to press a kiss to their intertwined hands, whispering “I love you’s” into the soft flesh. He could feel the tears starting to well, his eyes blurring.

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

_I am a dreamer but when I wake_

_You can’t break my spirit - it’s my dreams you take_

Alec was the first to say I love you, a few weeks before their first time.  It was a night when Alec got hurt shadowhunting. Really hurt. The group had knocked on his door in the middle of the night, screaming to let them in. Screaming that Alec was hurt. Magnus could feel himself panic as he opened the door, Isabelle, Clary, and Jace running through, Jace carrying an unconscious Alec.

Magnus healed him, tears brimming his eyes the whole night. He wouldn’t let him die. Not yet. Once he was healed Magnus stayed next to him the whole night after bringing him into Magnus’ bedroom. The others left, Magnus promising he would call them when Alec awoke. When Alec did wake, Magnus was asleep, laying next to him, his head laying on Alec’s lap.

“Magnus,” He whispered, running his hands through his hair, wincing slightly. There was still a dull pain on his side where he was stabbed. Magnus made an incoherent sound, and Alec whispered his name again. Magnus shot up, turning his body towards Alec. His eyes widened, and then arms flew around Alec.

“Alexander! You’re awake!” Magnus’ grip was tight and then suddenly there were lips spreading across Alec’s shoulder, up his neck, to his shoulders again, and then to his lips. Alec laughed at the feather light kisses.

“Magnus..Mag.. Magnus! You okay?” Alec used his hands to stop the older male from hugging him again. Magnus looked up at Alec, hands going to cup his face.

“Alexander, darling, I was so worried. I didn’t know if you were going to be okay.. When you came in hurt, I didn’t know what to do. Alec, if something were to happen to you..” Magnus let go of Alec, pressing his face against Alec’s chest. He felt arms encircle around him, hugging him close.

“Magnus..it’s .. it’s okay. I’m fine.”

“I know, Alec. I know.”

“Magnus? Look at me.” Magnus looked up, worried by the serious tone in Alec’s voice. The emotion was clear in Alec’s eyes.

“Magnus.. Magnus, I love you.”

Magnus felt the world stop still, as cliche as it sounds, when the words were uttered. He didn’t speak for several moments. Not until he saw the regret on Alec’s face, starting to recoil into himself at the seemed rejection. Magnus unfroze at this.

His lips crushed against Alec’s.

“I love you too, you stupid nephilim.”, he muttered in between their kiss. Magnus could feel Alec smile against his lips.

They stayed like that, giggling into each other’s mouths for what seemed like eternity.

Alec moved in with Magnus a month later.

_And as you move on, remember me_

_Remember us and all we used to be_

“When I’m gone, promise to remember me?” 

The words came out slurred. Alec was drunk, far more drunk than Magnus. They had planned on having a night in. Getting drunk wasn’t exactly on the list but somewhere in the middle of them having a quiet night a little too much champagne was ingested. Alec was already a light weight.

The drunk Alec was adorable at first, muttering "I love you’s" and saying random things. And then, things started to get serious. Alec mentioned his mortality. Things were still tense after Camille, but they had worked through it. The immortality and mortality was still a painful subject to discuss.

“What?” Magnus asked slowly, brows furrowed.

Alec looked at Magnus, a sad smile etched across his face.

“When I die.. I know you’re going to eventually have to get over me, but I’d really like it for you to remember me. Will you?”

Magnus felt the tears well at his words. Did Alec really feel that way?

“Alexander, you are not trivial, and I will never forget you. I will always remember you. I will always remember us, Alexander.  I love, darling. I love you so much. I can’t live without you.” Magnus mumbled the last few words, voice cracking. The words were truthful. Alec was everything to him.

Alec stared back at him, eyes glassy. From sadness or the drunken haze Magnus wasn’t sure.

“You’ll have to one day.”

_I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you smile_

Alec Lightwood crying was one of the worst things Magnus has seen. One of the first times he had seen this was when he opened the door to their apartment. It was the middle of night and the banging started during that time. Alec had gotten a late call from the Institute. He had to go to a meeting. Magnus found it annoying that the Clave thought they could just control Alec like that. And how, as he looked at Alec, he swore Clave members would have to pay, fingers itching blue sparks at the thought.

His eyes were red, tear stained face. Magnus began to open his mouth to speak, then interrupted by a sudden warmth. Alec had lunged at him, clinging to him like he was trying to meld their bodies. Magnus’ hands immediately wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, Alec’s head falling into the crook between his neck and shoulder. Magnus could feel the wet, hot tears running down his face. Snapping his fingers, the door shut. Alec was shivering.

Magnus moved them to the couch, ushering Alec into his lap. A finger snap and a blanket enveloped them. They sat there for a few moments, Alec laying against Magnus’ chest, Magnus rubbing circles into his back.

“I’m sorry,” The voice came out so soft Magnus could barely hear it. Alec’s head lifted up off Magnus’s shoulder. His face was tear stained, but they had stopped for the most part. Magnus could feel his fingers curling into balls as he took in the wrecked, sad look on his face. Magnus’ hands came to cup Alec’s face, making him look into his eyes.

“Never be sorry. What happened, darling?”

“The Clave.. I.. I was called there because they wanted to discuss the wedding laws.. “

Magnus internally groaned. Fucking Clave.

“They tried to make me a deal.. said..said that if I agreed to ..to give up my… to give up my..  marks …they would allow us to get married in gold before it happened.”

“What?” The tone had a dangerous edge, Magnus could feel it. He could feel his fingers itching, moving from his face to ball into fists again. “They did what? Where the hell were your siblings? Your parents? I know Robert has his problems but he wouldn’t…. Where the hell was your mother? I swear I will find them-”

“Magnus! Magnus…” He whispered, reciting what Magnus did before, grabbing his face with his hands. He made Magnus look at him.

“Magnus, calm down. Please. There was a reason they called me at night. I was the only one there. No one else knew about it. It was just them, trying to trap me.”

Alec leaned his head against Magnus’, foreheads touching, trying to calm him down.

“No one can trap a Lightwood.” Magnus smiled at his own words, sighing as Alec calmed him down. Like always.

“No one can trap a Lightwood.”

They stayed like that, breathing each other in, calming one another down.

“We’ll get through this, Alec. We’ll be married. In gold. Just give it time.”

Alec noded, smiling at his words.

They would.

_I’ve watched you sleeping for a while_

In the early stages of their relationship, Magnus watched as Alec slept a lot.

He would watch the slow fall of his chest. The peaceful look on his face. The one Magnus barely ever got to see. Watching him was a time where he could breathe, not think of anything besides the gorgeous, loving boy beside him. He deserved no pain, but had too much.

Magnus watched.

_I’d be the father of your child_

Max Lightwood-Bane came into the picture a year or so after they moved in together. The little warlock baby was an instant attachment to Alec. This would be their son. He knew it. He felt it. It took Magnus a little longer to realize he wanted it just as bad, but he still realized it. The boy was adopted. The little blueberry became their son.

Rafael Santiago Lightwood-Bane came in later. They had found him, starving and dying. He was a nephilim. The same feeling of Max came to the two, and so Max gained a brother, Alec and Magnus another son. The Clave tried to take him away once, but with a few threatens from the entire Lightwood/Lewis/Bane/Herondale/Fray/ Branwell family they were quickly diminished (Magnus may or may not have also sprouted sparks from his  fingers and Alec may or may not have grabbed his bow the final time the Clave mentioned it, but we don’t talk about that day.).

So Magnus, Alec, Rafael, and Max Lightwood-Bane were a family. They were happy.

_I’d spend a lifetime with you_

“Well, how does it feel being a Lightwood-Bane?” Alec smirked at Magnus’ words. They had gotten married years after being together. After adopting Raf and Max. When the laws finally changed and they could dress in gold.

The wedding was full of people and Magnus had planned all of it. They were on the dance floor, couples surrounding them. Magnus and Alec were pressed close, not so much as dancing but swaying. Max and Raf were with the rest of the cousins, doing whatever it was nephilim’s and warlock’s do.

“I don’t know, you tell me Mr. Lightwood-Bane.” Alec reiterated the words and he could feel Alec laugh against the shoulder his face was pressed against. Magnus looked up from his shoulder, smile as bright at Alec’s.

He pressed a kiss to Alec’s lips.

“I told you, darling. I told you we would end up here. I love you, Alexander Lightwood-Bane.”

If it were possible, Alec’s smile widened. He leaned into Magnus’ ear, whispering quietly. Words only for him to hear.

“And I love you, Magnus Lightwood-Bane.”

_I know your fears and you know mine_

_We’ve had our doubts but now we’re fine_

_And I love you, I swear that’s true_

_I cannot live without you_

The first time Alec found a gray hair, he had a panic attack. Magnus found him after it happened,  coming home from dropping Raf and Max off at the Institute (They had a plate date with their cousins.) He was sitting on the tile floors, looking straight ahead. At nothing. Magnus’ eyes furrowed at the position of his husband. That is until he turned to his direction, tear stained. Magnus started to him immediately, sliding down next to him once he got there.

He wrapped his arms around his husband quietly, guiding Alec until his face was pressed against him.

“Alexander? What happened?”Alec didn’t respond for several moments. Didn’t respond for several moments until he did.

“I found a gray hair today.” Confusion swelled from Magnis for a moment until it dawned on him. It dawned on him as to why Alec was freaking out. A gray hair. To Alec a gray hair meant getting older. Meant one step closer to death. One step closer to leaving Magnus.

And so Magnus held him tight, whispering soothing words, telling him he was fine. Telling him everything was fine. Telling him that even though he knew it eventually wouldn’t be.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

“Is dad going to die?”

Rafael was already asleep when Max asked. Magnus froze on the spot. They never explained what would happen in the future to their kids yet. Where was this coming from?

“Max? Where did you hear this?”

Max had tears forming in his eyes and Magnus felt his heart lurch. This was always the day he was dreading. Having this conversation. Telling his son that Raf and Alec would die. He always hoped Alec would be there to explain it with them, but Alec was shadowhunting and Max wasn’t going to stop the conversation.

“At.. at school. They were talking about warlocks and how we would live forever. I know that, papa, but I didn’t know nephilim’s die. I didn’t know daddy and Raf will die. They will, won’t they?”

Magnus sighed, grabbing his son’s hand. “My little blueberry, it won’t happen for a long, long time. Daddy and Raf are going to be here for a long time, darling. You don’t have to worry.” Magnus heard his voice crack at  “worry”. He cursed himself. He had to be strong. He had to be- Magnus stopped as a small body jumped into his lap, wrapping arms around him .Magnus could feel the tears pouring out of his son’s eyes, soaking up in his sheer dress shirt.

“It’s not fair, papa! I don’t want them to die. It’s not fair! I don’t want to live without them. I don’t want to be immortal. Please, papa, please.”

All Magnus could do was hold his son as he cried, begging to find a loophole. As he felt his own tears sliding down his face. As he was once again reminded of the inevitable.

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

_And I still hold your hand in mine_

_In mine when I’m asleep_

_And I will bear my soul in time_

_When I’m kneeling at your feet_

“There’s not much we can do, Mr. Lightwood-Bane. I’m afraid your husband doesn’t have long left…”

Magnus couldn’t breathe as the words echoed in his  mind, over and over again. He wasn’t ready for the words. He knew he never would be. But it wasn’t fair.

**It wasn’t fair.**

The hospital wing seemed to be closing in on him, making it harder to breathe. He felt like he was in a haze, eyes blurring over, the room becoming fuzzy. He knew they were the tears. He knew, and he knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold them back.

He could hear the voice distantly. He knew the woman was still speaking. Certain words. Apologies (Magnus would laugh if he could. They were always sorry.), something about precautions. How to deal with it. Yet the only thing going through his head was:

**He’s dying..**

**He’s dying..**

**He’s dyi-**

“Sir? Are you okay?” A hand on his shoulder, voice still echoing brought him back. He couldn’t speak, the words wouldn’t come out. All he did was nod. Nod before moving his feet, trying to keep it together as he started walking away.

Walking away to cry. Walking away to break down. Walking away to call his sons. To tell them it was happening.

He wasn’t ready.

_Goodbye my lover_

_Goodbye my friend_

“Hey.. don’t cry.” The breathless voiced made Magnus look up once more. “There’s no reason to cry..I want the last thing I see to be happy.”

Magnus laughed at his husband, smiling through his tears, trying his best to hold them back.

“I love you, Alexander. I will always love you. You changed me for the better. You gave me the happiness I never thought  I could ever feel. You gave me a marriage, a family. You were my first, Alexander. You were my first so many things.”

“Magnus.. I love you too, so much. You’ve always been the one, before I even knew it. I love you Magnus, and I’m glad I …got to be part of your history. Thank you for believing in me. For loving me even when I didn’t love myself.”

For the next few moments Alec and Magnus looked at each other, absorbing each other’s faces before it was too late.

Alexander Lightwood-Bane died moments later, hands laced with his husband.

_You have been the one_

_You have been the one for me_

_I’m so hollow, baby, I’m so hollow_

_I’m so, I’m so, I’m so hollow_

“Aleander.. **no** …”  The words died in his throat as the beeping of the heart monitor flat lined, Alec’s hand going limp in his. He looked down at the hand. He began shaking it. Shaking it and yelling at Alec to wake up. To give him a few more minutes.

The tears were pouring freely. His grip wouldn’t let go of Alec’s hand.

“Alexander, please. Please come back. You - you were right. See? Something I never admit. Please, just come back. One more talk. Please darling, please. Alexander, you have been the one for me.  I can’t live without you. Darling, please.” His voice broke at the end.

The tears continued pouring and he continued holding his hand. Continued even when the doctors came in to apologize. He didn’t leave Alec’s body for days. He didn’t leave when his sons came in, trying to get him to snap out of the haze he was in. Magnus didn’t. He stayed where he was, hands locked with Alec’s, staring at him. Every so often, whispering the same words over and again. Begging Alec to come back.

Whispering the same words as the same sentence replayed over and over  again in his mind.

**“You’ll have to one day.”**

**“You’ll have to one day.”**

**“You’ll have to one day.”**

Alexander Lightwood-Bane was wrong. Magnus Lightwood-Bane would never get over him. Magnus Lightwood-Bane could never live without him.


End file.
